Earth=98.5% USELESS
by bunny chan Ginny
Summary: Kezapi and Shifuga are lost, lightyears from home, in a place they don't understand. They need help from anyone, fast. And anyoen MEANS anyone... if the Marauders thought that life was crazy before, they're in for one heck of a shock! [Eventual L/J!]
1. Life As We Know It

Lily And James; The Tables Have Turned; The End

98.5% Useless

By bunny chan & Ginny :)

Yes-- another _straaaange_ fic from bunny chan & Ginny :)! 

We own Kezapi, Shifuga, Havoc [don't expect us to write any rules or anything for it. Please!] and Dr. Xargle Jix. J. K Rowling owns pretty much everyone else. Some of the ideas in this came from Ginny :) reading too many Douglas Adams books ['The Hitch- Hiker's Guide To The Galexy; Trilogy of Five' rocks!] , and too much of a TV program called 'My Parents Are Aliens', so there's influences from them, but we haven't actually nicked anything in particular, lol :) 

Please read & review!!! 

Bunny Chan & Ginny :) 

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The classroom on board the Star Fleet _The Mockingbird_ was playing Havoc. Literally. Havoc is a very popular game on board space ships, involving everything from deadly poisons, to text books on _Discover New Life-forms on Sirius and Alpha Centuri. _Young Humanoids are known to love it. Hey, kids, today we're gonna learn how to maim and torture! 

Unfortunately, that was in the room next door to the twins Kezapi and Shifuga, and the rest of their class. They listened whistfully to the noise and chaos that echoed down the corridoor into their own room, which was as silent as the grave, except for the drone of their teacher lecturing them on, well, something. Something about a galexy with a silly name. The few inhabitants inhabitants called it _The_ Galexy, which was considered terribly short- sighted but you can't have everything. 

Shifuga was listening avidly, unconciously chewing the end of one of her long blue plaits. 

"Each of you must partener up with a classmate. You must each have a note book, text books, writing and drawing equiptment, Communications Monitors, and get yourselves into an Obervance Pod, which you will drive towards the Galexy in question. Try not to disturb the lifeforms on any of them, because it may frighten the poor silly dears. And no landing to scare anyone on purpose! All of you with those rediculous fake anietenni in your bags must hand them in to me before we land. Remember to follow my Obserbvance Pod at all times. Now-- go and prepair. We will be leaving in fifteen minutes." 

Shifuga got to her feet, and motioned to her twin, "C'mon, Kez. You get our books and stuff, I'll nab us a Pod." 

"Fine," Kezapi muttered, "But I get to drive, OK?" 

"No. It's not OK. Last time you drove, we took a wrong turning and ended up at the wrong end of the Western Ursulas Galexy!" 

"I didn't mean to, it was an accident! Lemmie drive, sis..." 

"Well, I don't think--" 

"Oooh, _please_?" her brother moaned. Shifuga gave up. What was the point? 

~*~ 

It was not a large Pod. It smelt of Sirian Mega Cats, looked like it was made from stone, and flew in exactly the same kind of way that rocks don't. It was cramped, with only just enough room for two students and their books. 

On the plus side, it had an Inter-galactic radio. Kezapi insisted that they listen to The Archers, since it was the nearest they'd ever get to life in England, since aliens always seem to end up in America somehow, all though that didn't include Kezapi and Shifuga. 

Shifuga let the constant natterings of the radio wash over her. She didn't know what they were talking about and, quite frankly, she didn't care. She only noticed, when the sound of Joe Grundy complaining about the price of sheep nowadays was taken over by the sound of their teacher's irate voice. 

"Right! Everyone, put up your Protection Shields now! There's an asteriod storm ahead, and I want you all to KEEP SAFE!" 

Shifuga and Kezapi gasped at the announcement.  
"WHAT? YOU'RE TELLING THAT ONLY NOW???" Shifuga cried, kicking the radio violently. "WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"   
"She's right, Prof," Kezapi said, kneeling at the radio. "I mean, we're only a normal human teenager's age! How could you have sent us to our deaths?"  
Professor Xargle Jix must have heard them because the radio blasted the next few words:  
"YOU'RE ON YOUR MISSION, YOU MORONS!!!! Get your Shield up now!"  
"We're gonna die!" the twins wailed loudly, hugging each other dramatically as they yelled out their last prayers. Then Shifuga paused for a while. She had just realised that their ship was shaking violently, lurching and vibrating, being banged into by small asteroids.  
"Kez... _who is steering the Pod_?" she asked. Kezapi silenced.  
"... I am..." he said at last, "Kind of. Oops." The pod began shaking even more violently.  
"AAAAAH!!! IF WE DON'T DIE OF THE ASTEROID STORM, WE'LL DIE BECAUSE OF THIS!!!! KEZ, I'LL KILL YOU!" Shifuga shrieked as she ring her hand over her twin's neck and began choking it.   
"S...h...i...e....l...d...!" Kezapi gasped.  
The pod gave an almighty lurch suddenly and hurtled off in the opposite direction... towards the face of a lagoon-like blue and green planet near by.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

~*~  
Lily stared at the common room window, rather bored. They'd just tripped over Mrs. Norris, the new caretaker's cat, that had overlarge eyes resembling a great white moon when it was full. Also, the Hufflepuffs were terrorised by the prospect of finding they food transfigured into Cockroach Clusters and Acid Pops. And all thanks to Lily, James, Peter, Remus and Sirius, better known as The Marauders. 

"It's your turn to figure out our next adventure, Lily," Peter said to the girl. Lily pulled her red hair hard in thought. It was a habit. 

"Why me? I mean, I was the one who turned those bottles of coke into grasshoppers. Isn't it someone else's turn?" Lily whined. Sirius bounced stupidly to her, a goofy grin on his face. 

"That was James's _idea_, you just _did_ it," he said before cartwheeling off at an unbelievable rate, and banged a first year in process. 

Lily turned huffily back to the window. Maybe she could suggest something cool, like James. He had great ideas most of the time. It was possibly his one talent. 

Hmm... they could probably turn all the Ravenclaws green. Or maybe the Slytherins could suffer from Itching Potion. Or maybe they should concentrate on that slimey Severus Snape, and turn him into a slug... maybe they could go on strike! 

Just then, a star fell from the sky. Lily stared at it. It twinkled cheerfully back at her. 

Wishing stars might grant her wishes. She should wish for an idea to terrorise the school! 

Lily's eyes followed the falling beam of light, right into the Forbidden Forest. A loud bang echoed across the school grounds, and a flash of colourful lights lit up the darkness of the forest. Lily jumped up in surprise and blinked. Falling stars don't crash that way... do they? At least, that's what her old muggle teacher had told her. 

Then it hit her. 

"Hey! I've got an idea!" Lily called to the boys. The four looked up in amazement. 

"Are you serious?" Remus asked. "You barely get any ideas at all, thanks to your psychotic brain." 

"Yeah, they're not ideas, they're wild notions that never work!" Remus agreed. 

"Being a psycho is a psychic," Lily quoted. 

"The other way round, missy," James corrected, "... So... what's your idea?" 

"We'll go to the Forbidden Forest!" 

"WHAT? You're seriously mad, Lily!" Peter cried. "We'll get in trouble if we're caught or get lost or something. Look at the sky! It's--" 

"Not falling in yet," Lily supplied, cheerfully. "And we'd never visited the forest at night! Besides, I saw something crash into it, I swear I did!" 

"Yeah... right... like that time you swore that you saw a skeleton walking round in a top hat." 

"Well?" 

"That was Sirius and James under the invisibility cloak, with a skeleton stolen from the potions lab," Peter objected. 

"Oh, I didn't know that," Remus frowned, in his usual day dreamy haze, "You really ought to tell me these things." 

"Shut up, you lot! You think I could make this sort of thing up?! It might be fun. C'mon, guys! This'll be an adventure!" Lily crowed. 

"LET'S GO!!!!" this, of course, came from Sirius. James, Remus and Peter stared at each other questioningly, debating silently whether or not they should check it out. 

Finally, their busy-body part of mind took control and they agreed. 

In less than twenty minutes, they were in the dark Forbidden Forest, their wands, oil lamps and Lily's muggle torch lighting their way to where Lily had seen the "star" crash. 

"We're not getting lost, um, are we?" Remus asked nervously, "Remember what happened when--" 

"Of course not! We're haven't gotten lost here yet, remember?" James assured. 

"That was in daytime!" Peter protested. 

"When is there day and night in this forest?" Sirius challenged. No one had anything to say after that. 

Lily parted the bushes in her way to come upon fallen trees and a big.... if she didn't know better, she'd have said it was... a spaceship! But it couldn't be... could it? There were two creatures - no; humans-- or at least, they looked like humans - standing next to it, looking rather mangled and untidy. They were talking to a black box that resembled a sort of machine mad scientists usually invent in films. 

"Um, sorry Professor Jix, but we sorta got carried away," the male one was saying. 

"No, we did not! Kezapi left the controls on Manual!" the girl protested. 

"Shut up, Shifuga! You shouldn't have started wailing in the first place!" Kezapi retorted. 

"Really?! Well, I'm not the idiot who crash us!" Shifuga yelled. 

"SILENCE, YOU TWO!!!" the black box - supposedly radio - boomed. "Just act normally and stay calm, whilst I locate you two! And--" 

"Be quick, cause I need food," Shifuga said. 

"LISTEN TO ME. Do as much as you can of your mission, get me? I'll send you an extra pod once we can get one AND locate your crash site! Also--BZZZT." The connection was cut. 

"What does BZZZT mean?" said Shifuga. 

"Hey! Hey, Professor!! NO!!!!!!" Kezapi moaned, kicking the black box. 

"Who are you?" Lily cried, jumping out of the bushes. "You're- you're aliens, aren't you?" 

Shifuga and Kezapi jumped up in surprise. "AAAH! THERE ARE LIFE FORM ON THIS PLANET!" 

"Keep away r you'll feel the wrath of this..." Kezapi thought for a moment, "...thing..." 

"Give me my hat back!" Complained James. 

"Sorry." 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Funny. You're as human as any of us." 

"They look mighty suspicious, though," James said thoughtfully. "Who-- besides us-- would be as crazy as to roam in the Forbidden Forest at night, talking to some box that just went blitzed and yelling and all?" 

"Yeah," Remus said in agreement. "Are you the remains of Lord Grindelweld's people?" 

"Do they look smart enough?" Peter said sarcastically. "I mean, look at them! Not even wearing robes. I'm betting they're Muggles." 

"We're what you'd call Aliens." 

"But we're actually Centurianns. From Alpha Centuri." Added in Kezapi. 

"I'm Shifuga," Shifuga said. She motioned her brother. "This idiot here is my twin brother, Kezapi. He's the one who crashed us here." 

"Ah," Lily said intelligently. "And I thought it was a falling star!" 

"They might be lying," Sirius said suspiciously. "Let's send them to Dumbledore for a check-up!" 

"Yeah!!!" the group chorused. The two aliens blinked. Who, or what was Dumbledore? Some spacecraft? And what check-up? 

Before they could find out, Lily and James had grabbed Shifuga's arms, Remus and Peter Kezapi's, and Sirius danced behind them. All five were singing something about "Heigh Ho! It's to Dumbledore we go! High ho! Diddly diddley do!" 

~*~ 

Dumbledore had seen many things in his long lifetime, and was due to see many more. But, as things go, the two... children... who stood in front of him now were definitely on the higher end of the 'weirdness scale'. They stood in front of his desk, exchanging bemused looks, with Lily and the Marauders hovering just behind them. 

"Would you five mind leaving for a moment?" Dumbledore asked his students, who scowled, but shuffled off all the same, "Now..." he smiled vaguely at Kezapi and Shifuga, "Miss Evens tells me that you, shall we say, are not from this planet. I know that she has a certain tendency to let her imagination run away with her so, would you mind if I asked you to verify this statement?" he looked at them over his spectacles, blue eyes shining. 

Kezapi and Shifuga imitated his look back at him. 

After a moment, Kezapi voiced the question, "Well? Ask us then?" 

"I... beg your pardon?" 

"You said you were going to ask us if we minded if you asked us if we minded verifying a statement." 

"And we don't mind, so ask us!" 

Of all the tactics to get out of trouble that Dumbledore had seen in his many years as a teacher, this was not one he was familiar with. He had to think about it for a moment, before replying; 

"Are you from another planet?" 

"Yes." Said the twins together, simply. 

"As I doubt that this is another elaborate plot by those students who accompanied you here," Dumbledore frowned a little, thinking, "I will have to believe you." 

"Oh, that's nice of you," Shifuga smiled vaguely. 

"Very nice!" Nodded her brother. 

"Indeed." Dumbledore gave them a smile, "Would you mind if--" he changed tack, "Tell me why you are on Earth, please?" 

"We just... landed here." 

"Not so! Kezapi crashed us!" 

"Did not." 

"Did so." 

"Did not!" 

"Did so!" 

"Did n--" 

"Well," Dumbledore interrupted loudly, "Whatever happened, it doesn't seem to me that you are here to cause trouble. In the circumstances, it looks as though you are going to have to join the school-- for the moment anyway. You will be sorted in the morning. Good night. You may go now." 

"Goodnight." 

"See ya." 

The two strange Centurianns wandered out of the room, to be met by their original captors, who were a little upset to discover that they weren't actually the Slavering- Monster veriety of Alien. 

Dumbledore wondered to himself what he had let himself in for this time. 

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Please read & review! 


	2. No Food Is Good Food?

Earth= 98.5% USELESS

Chapter... whatever comes next!

by bunny chan & Ginny :)

This chapter is pretty long, so we both hope you enjoy the torture! We hope your lives are all fun, etc etc etc, and that you have a lovely day too! ;) 

~ bunny chan & Ginny :) 

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Shifuga and Kezapi stared blankly at the old battered hat on Professor Dumbledore's table. Somehow, it didn't even look as if it has brains. If it does, it wouldn't be looking like it'd gone through tethers and rips!! So how, as Dumbledore had claimed, would it tell them which House they truly belonged to?   
  
Come to think of it, what WAS a house? That definitely was not in their dictionary.   
  
"Go on, try it on," Dumbledore said, beckoning the bewildered aliens to the hat. Shifuga turned to her brother uneasily, hoping that he'd offer to go first. Hearing no response, she voiced out:   
  
"Kez, I hereby give you the honour to--"   
  
"No way! You can go first. I honestly don't mind!" Kezapi said hurriedly, interrupting his sister's words with a smile. He obviously wasn't particularly keen to try on the hat. Well, not as keen as he was when he offered to manoeuvre the pod that crashed them onto the weird planet Earth!   
  
"Yes, why don't you?" Dumbledore said, placing the hat on the psyched Shifuga. The girl shrieked, as if the hat was eat her, shaking from tip to toe. She was afraid, confused... and what did the future hold for her? Supposing the hat couldn't sort her, so she'd get kicked out, and then where could she-- or her idiot brother-- go?!   
  
"No! NO!!!! This cannot be!!!! I'm not going first!!! I'm the GIRL here!!!" she cried. Dumbledore winced at her piercing voice.   
  
"Yeah, and as they say, ladies first," Kezapi shrugged. "You're a lady, as you'd just claimed."   
  
"YAH!!!! THERE'S SOMEONE SPEAKING TO ME!!!! SOMEONE IS TALKING TO ME!!! I'M GOING CRAZY!!!!" Shifuga shrieked in terror, determined to do anything not to have to listen to the hat-- which couldn't possibly be speaking to her anyway! Could it?   
  
"That's the hat speaking, Shifuga," Dumbledore said calmly, just as a loud yell of "GRYFFINDOR" echoed around the room.   
  
Shifuga froze at once, as did her twin brother. The young alien instantly ripped the hat from her hair and flung it into Kezapi's hands, as if the sorting hat was about to explode.   
  
Dumbledore groaned inwardly. As if Lily Evans's actions on her first year, in her first day at Hogwarts, when she was trying on the hat hadn't been bad enough! This other girl that the Marauders picked up from the Forbidden Forest seemed, if not as bad, worse. On the bright side, she hadn't actually turned the hat into a guineapig, out of a sudden terror and idea that 'the hat was evil in disguise', unlike a certain red- hared Gryffindor student. It had been days before the guineapig had turned up, and the rest of the new students could be sorted.   
  
Kezapi shuddered as he placed the Sorting Hat on his head. His lanky body seem to shudder at it's very touch, but he stood his ground.   
  
"NO!!! I AM HEARING VOICES!! I AM HEARING VOICES!!! I AM DOOMED!!!!" Kezapi yelled, when he heard the Sorting Hat's tiny voice in his head, frightened, but also determined to prove that he could yell louder then his sister.   
  
"Hearing voices mean death!" Shifuga stuttered, biting her nails. "We're dying... we're DYING in an unknown planet! An unknown galaxy!! We will die!!! Our souls might not reach Gomawatap! We will be trapped in this place! We're DYING!!!! PROFESSOR JIX!!! SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!! "   
  
"GRYFFINDOR!!!" the Sorting Hat cried. The two aliens yelled before dropping on the cold ground, unconscious from sheer terror. Professor Dumbledore noticed some pink foam at Kezapi's lips. The pink frothing looked amusing.   
  
Dumbledore calmly placed the hat aside hurriedly, seeing the twins so bothered. So, hearing voices meant death to them, eh? Then why didn't they start acting like that when they heard him talking? That's a voice, isn't it? And who WAS this Professor Jix? Probably a teacher of some sort. And as for Gomawatop... probably their Angel of Death, like Hades on Earth. Only that Hades wasn't quite what you could call an "angel".   
  
"Well, you can bring them to your dorm," Dumbledore said to the Marauders, when they entered the room. "They're in Gryffindor. Lily can take Shifuga and you boys can take Kezapi. They'll be attending in your classes."   
  
"Interesting," Sirius said, bending down at Kezapi. "Pink bubbles. Did he try and eat bubble mixture?"   
  
"Maybe he'll be able to blow proper bubbles in the morning!" Lily chirruped.   
  
"I don't think so," James shook his head, "It'll long be digested by tomorrow--"   
  
"You may leave." Dumbledore had to raise his voice slightly in order to get his point across.   
  
"Aren't you going to treat us to a nice Expresso?" Lily asked.   
  
"Apparently, no, Miss Evans. Tell Professor McGonagall about these two... temporary students."   
  
"Can we bribe you with some sherbet?" James inquired, holding a packet of sherbet lemon.   
  
"No. Please, I ask you not to waste my time. You may leave."   
  
"Please?" Remus begged, pulling on a puppy dog face.   
  
"You may leave NOW," Dumbledore said in a tone of struggled calmness and politeness.   
  
"Aye, aye," Peter sighed. "Come on, guys, let's go... We'll be back to torture him later."   
  
"Yeah, next time we get a detention."   
  
"I'm NOT a guy," Lily, scowled.   
  
"Obvious. Now let's buzz," Remus said, pushing Lily out of the door when he noticed Dumbledore's red face of annoyance and fury. The Headmaster apparently wasn't really at good terms at that time of day. Not before having his coffee, perhaps.   
  
**   
  
Heads turned in direction of the seven Gryffindors as they marched towards the red and gold table for breakfast. Murmurs, finger pointing and eye-darting were aimed, not at the Marauders, but at the two strangers. Shifuga and Kezapi's looks are certainly... creative, in a way.   
  
The male stranger had a very stylish looking lime-green hair, bright, primary blue eyes, a crooked nose, rather Roman features, and was very tall and lanky. The other one, a female, had long blue hair tied in bouncing pigtails, brown eyes, a straight nose and a slim average height. And what was with their purple lips and black nails?   
  
But, since they were with the Marauders, looking weird didn't seem to surprise that many people. After all, James Potter did have hair resembling a messy bird nest, and Lily's eyes were bright green.   
  
The Marauders and their new friends seated themselves at the Gryffindor table.   
  
"So, what're you doing on Earth anyway?" Lily asked, ignoring the stares as she poured herself some milk and buttered her toast.   
  
The twins stared at each other. "Who are you asking?"   
  
"Any of you. Either of you. Just reply. One of you."   
  
"Oh, we're kind of here on research," Shifuga said, copying Lily. She buttered her piece of toast and bit into it. "Yuck!!! What's THIS?" He howled, causing other students to stare at him suspiciously.   
  
"This?" Sirius said, holding up his bread. "It's called toast. And it's FOOD. If you don't want yours, kindly hand it over to me." The two aliens did so, looking rather green around the eyebrows.   
  
"What sort of research are you doing? On us?" James said. He meant it as a joke, of course, but when the twins nodded absent-mindedly in reply, he splurted his coffee at the pupil opposite him. The boy let out a cry and began swearing at James. James glared distastefully at the choice of words hurled and, in return, a dungbomb at his companion's mouth.   
  
"No, seriously, not US, right??? I mean, you CAN'T slice us into chunks of meat and eat us to see if you'll gain immortality, because you CAN'T!!!" Peter yelled, making half of Gryffindor table jump. "And, and, and you simply can't operate us to see how our lungs and heart and stuff all work, cause Lily our muggleborn genius knows EVERYTHING!!!"   
  
"Oh, speaking of her, you can take HER instead of us. We're purebloods! We're not like normal humans! LEAVE US ALONE!" Added Sirius.   
  
"Traitor," Lily hissed. "I scored 50% in biology five years ago, you moron, and that does not prove how smart I am!"   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Sirius got more then I did! He's too clever for his own good!"   
  
"Um, well anyway," Shifuga looked totally unperturbed at this, "this food's yucky. Don't you serve anything else? It's downright... stomach wrenching!" Kezapi gagged, making a face at the orange juice and English tea. "Like curry noodles, curry puffs, char kuey teow or anything of that sort?"   
  
"Huh? What are those?" Remus blinked.   
  
"Food," Shifuga said. "Maybe they don't have it here, Kez. I mean, they're all either white or brown, not orangey. The humans we saw in Prof. Jix's class had slit eyes and orangey skin."   
  
"They do? But Professor Jix-- oh, um, yeah, I think they do. I, uh, slept in her class."   
  
"What?! No wonder you failed the exam on life on other planets!"   
  
"We're the type of humans that are known as The Marauders," James said. "Great species extraodinare!" Immediately, the other Gryffindors moved away from James and his friends.   
  
"THEY are," one girl called. "WE're not."   
  
"Yeah!" Added in another, "We're normal, thank you very much."   
  
"THEY are known as the 'Lowest Form Of Humans'," Lily said, jabbing her thumb at the students around them.   
  
"Oh, shut up." The others began returning to their places.   
  
"So, who are you?" a girl asked.   
  
"I'm Shifuga, this is my idiot twin brother that crashed us here, Kezapi," Shifuga introduced.   
  
"Crash?"   
  
"Yeah. Boom. Bang. Twang. Splat. Etc. That stupid asteroid storm--mmpff!!!" Sirius had clamped his hand over her mouth.   
  
"They're our cousins," he explained quickly. "From- from- from-" he turned to his friends helplessly.   
  
"From Alpha!" Peter said brightly. The Marauders nodded.   
  
"There's no such country," a muggleborn pointed bluntly.   
  
"You missed its name, obviously, because there IS too such a place!" Kezapi said. "It's above the North Star--mpf!!! Mmff!!!! Mmmpf!!!" Remus had clamped his mouth.   
  
"North pole," Remus replied breathlessly.   
  
"The clothings and hair are...well, weird!" a firstyear cried.   
  
"Well, it's a potion they've been messing with," Lily said, smiling sweetly. "It spilled over them! Their nails are something us muggles call nail polish, and as for their lips, haven't you heard of lip gloss?"   
  
The two aliens struggled over their clamped mouths, voicing out the Truth that was very well muffled by Sirius and Remus's large hands. No one heard their protests of coming from Alpha Centuri, nor that their hair, lips, clothes and nails were very genuine indeed, or that they were definitely NOT related to the Marauders by any blood or marriage. All that was heard was "We're--mphff!!!!!!" or "It's not--MPFFF!!!"   
  
"Ah, it's Potions next," Peter said, looking at his timetable. He turned to the questioning housemates and schoolmates. "Bye bye! We'll be giving out autographs after the first break, kay, guys? Make sure you meet us at the Forbidden Forest!"   
  
With that, the Marauders ushered the aliens (still gagged by hands to keep them quiet) out of the Great Hall. And as for reporting to the Head of Gryffindor house... well, that will have to be settled after their autographing session.   
  
**   
  
"What do you think you're doing?" Shifuga demanded, once they were out of sight.   
  
"Saving you from being mobbed by the school. Do you know how VICIOUS those wizards and witches can get?" Sirius frowned. "When James scored the 5th goal for Quidditch Cup, they nearly rushed onto the Pitch, intending to do The Lap of Glory! And the game hasn't even ended!"   
  
"Well, it sounds fun," Kezapi mused.   
  
"Forget that. We'd better get you robes, two wands and some stationary," Remus said reasonably. "We can get you those except for the two wands."   
  
"Hey, what's this?" Shifuga said, pulling a stick from her pocket. "How'd it get here?" She made a move to toss it away when Lily stopped her.   
  
"You nitwit! It's a wand," she whispered. "Some kid must've dropped it just now! That's one wand less to worry about."   
  
"Co- incidence, eh?" Sirius frowned.   
  
"Yeah!" James nodded.   
  
"What'll this do to me?" Shifuga asked, twirling the wand. It shimmered slightly at her touch, but other then that, nothing happened. Kezapi snatched it.   
  
"No, you use it like THIS!" Kezapi said, throwing it up into the air and catching it. Nothing happened. "Weird... it ought to work."   
  
"Huh, you two don't have magical blood," Peter said, pulling out his wand. "It works like this!" He tapped the aliens's clothing, and they transformed into black robes, complete with the Hogwarts crest and all.   
  
"Yeah, genius," Shifuga said sarcastically to her brother. James handed them some parchments, inkbottles and quills from his bag.   
  
"That's for stationary," the boy said.   
  
The twins stared at their quills blankly. "We're suppose to use THIS? This old-fashioned thing???"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Haven't you heard of pens?"   
  
"Or pencil, for that matter?"   
  
Lily rolled her eyes. "YES, but we have to use these bird feather quills at Hogwarts, get it?"   
  
"Hmm... maybe we should introduce the pencils to the lecturers here?" Kezapi mused.   
  
"Force everyone to use biros!"   
  
"Sounds good to me!" The twins beamed at each other in rare agreement.   
  
"If you want to suffer in the icy cold lake as a detention for 'Thinking Abnormally', so be it," Peter said. "Lily really was once assigned such detention. That's the only detention we Marauders try not to get, because it minuses the House Points and it freezes you into a ice block for two days."   
  
"Unless you're as psychotic as Lily, try it," Remus said. The aliens glanced out at the glistening, large Hogwarts lake outside. It certainly look freezing enough.   
  
"Er, we um, take back whatever we say," Shifuga said uneasily. "Don't we, Kez?"   
  
"Absolutely so, Shif."   
  
"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF CLASS?!" a wiry lady barked at them suddenly. Hurriedly, the Marauders and aliens scuttled off, not wanting to get on the teachers' bad side. After all, the twins had already been in their own professor's black books back in their planet for not paying attention in class and for constant burning down of school appliances. They certainly didn't intend on anything of that sort in this strange planet. Yet.   
  
~*~   
  
It was midnight. The Gryffindors all dozed happily, dreaming of tropical islands, floating rainbows, and, in the case of one of them, being chased by a giant man- eating lump of cheese. In all accurateness, not all the students were asleep.   
  
James, Sirius, Peter, Remus and Kezapi crept along the corridor, hissing to each other every so often.   
  
"If we get caught, Kez and Sirius," Peter frowned slightly, "This was all your idea."   
  
"Wasn't my ac'shul idea," Sirius pointed out, "Kezapi was the one who--"   
  
"It was you who thought of it, too!"   
  
"Well, whoever's idea it was," James put in, "You can all jolly well stop arguing about it. If you're heard, we'll all get caught."   
  
"Oh, I dunno," Remus shrugged, "Filch doesn't normally catch us."   
  
"If I was Filch," said Sirius, "I'd have gone to sleep ages ago. It's cold and it's late. No-one sane would be awake."   
  
"Ho hum. Wonder what that says about us lot?" Remus smiled a little.   
  
Sirius thought about this for several minutes, before breaking into hysterical giggles.   
  
"SIRIUS!"   
  
"OK, OK. Sheesh, don't get your knickers in a twist..."   
  
They continued on in silence.   
  
"Ow! Peter!" Sirius howled, his voice echoing around the silent castle.   
  
"What?!"   
  
"You trod on my foot!"   
  
"Sorry."   
  
"Huh. Look, I bet it's all bruised in the morning, I could be maimed for life--"   
  
"Shut up!" James hissed desperately. Sirius had always liked to think of himself as being good at this Marauding milarky, when more often then not, he was the one who gave them away.   
  
"We're knocking for Lily, aren't we?" Remus wondered.   
  
"And Shifuga!" put in Kezapi.   
  
"Well, yes, her too. Only, I know Lily'll have our guts for garters if she find out that we've been having fun at night without her."   
  
"Yes, of course we'll knock for her."   
  
"What would an adventure be without Lily Evens?" Sighed Peter, who privately thought that life would be a lot quieter- not to mention easier- if people like Lily didn't exist.   
  
"Peaceful?" Suggested Sirius, who took everything literally.   
  
"True."   
  
~*~   
  
The four Gryffindor girls were sleeping peacefully. Shifuga's mind was on her home planet, and how different it was. Lily was singing in her sleep, to the (approximate) tune of Call The Whole Thing Off. The other two girls were happily dozing.   
  
However, their glorious slumber was soon disturbed. A loud bang at the door broke the peace of the room, causing one of the girls to jump, pull herself out of bed, and slouch to the door. She pulled it open, and smiled blearily at the boys, more then used to night-time visits.   
  
"Who's there, or do you tend to ALWAYS get on my bad side???? Grr!! Honestly, you people think that the world's YOURS! Huh!" The girl paused. "Oh, _you_. I'm guessing you want Lily?"   
  
"Good guess, Eleen. And the new girl, as well."   
  
"Okay!" Eleen skipped across the room, her wavy black-brown hair bouncing behind her, for some strange reason apparently elated at the presence of the new comers, "Lily!"   
  
"S'mat'er?" Lily muttered into her pillow.   
  
"Your friends are here!"   
  
"Mumph..." Lily pulled the covers over her head.   
  
"You too, Shifuga!"   
  
"Wha'?"   
  
"Oh, for goodness' sake," the fourth and final Gryffindor girl pulled herself out of bed, "Eleen, what are you doing?"   
  
"Lily and Shif's friends are here for them, Rach," explained Eleen. "It's either we send them off, or we get tortured!"   
  
"Of course they are. Why do I ask? And don't call me Rach. It's Rachel. RAY-CHEL!"   
  
"Want to come in, guys?" Eleen called to the boys at the door, ignoring her friend's complaints. "Of course, that means that you'll have to past through my current experiment of, er, dead mice traps for the dead mice in this room."  
  
"Thanks, but no thanks," Remus shook his head, quite thankful by his choice. "We've got something planned. Sorry."   
  
Eleen and Rachel exchanged glances. It looked to them as though Lily and Shifuga had both returned to Cloud Cuckoo Land.  
  
"Right." Rachel pulled herself to her feet, wavy auburn hair sticking out like a dandelion clock, and strode over to the two sleeping girl's beds.   
  
"GET UP, LAZY BONES!!!!!!!" Bawled Eleen, grinning worryingly insanely. Rachel and the Marauders winced, and Shifuga sat suddenly up in bed, looking as though she had just jumped out of her skin.   
  
"What?!?!"   
  
"Your brother and his friends are waiting for you," Rachel pointed to the door, "And I'd like some sleep..." she paused, and stared at Lily. "Oh good ger-eef!. She's like a bloody log..." she took a hold of Lily's ankle, called to the others for help, and dragged the unfortunate Lily from her bed.   
  
Lily fell to the floor with a thump, and sat up, scowling blackly. "Wha'? Oh..." She rubbed her eyes, "Y'didn't have to do that. That hurt--"   
  
"Oh, shut up and come on," James rolled his eyes, used to Lily's moods.   
  
"See you!" Eleen shepherded Lily and Shifuga to the door, whilst Rachel dropped onto her bed, managing to hit her head on the wall in the process.   
  
The door slammed behind them.   
  
Lily turned to her friends, "OK, what're up to tonight?!"   
  
Kezapi grinned. It was not a terribly reassuring sight. 

"So, you're the cooks?" Kezapi asked doubtfully, staring at the hundreds and probably, if his alien instinct hadn't gaggled, millions of house-elves before him and the Marauders. 

"Yes, master,"they replied with a courteous, low, long bow. They kept their bowed-to-the-ground-with-necks-that-aren't-tiring position for a long time. 

"Are you sure?" Shifuga added in a very doubtful tone. These tiny things? Serve? Can they even reach the tables???? 

"You've got to be kidding!!!! Best cooks in the world!" Peter said proudly. If possible, the house-elves's felt caps nearly touched the cold floor. NEARLY. 

"Does that mean that they actually KNOW how to cook?" 

"Yes, master! Anything! To the very finest perfection, too!" 

The house-elves's heads touched the ground, grinding their caps flat. 

"The toast this morning, and the steak during lunch, and the BBQ for dinner was... out of the universe," Shifuga said with the best manner that she could manoeuvre. She had to master control over it, because right then, she felt like strangling ALL of them. Suddenly, her temper snapped completely, and she yelled out, "IT'S POISON!!! YOU MONSTERS TRIED TO POISON ME!!!!!! GET IT???? P O I S O N!!! IT IS POISON!" A wee bit more and she'd be shrieking like someone who had just seen a full-grown baby manticore. 

The house-elves tried to grind their heads onto the floor to bow even lower (How could their knees stand it? Lily found herself wondering) in dismay and respect. How dare this- this GIRL! Say their finest cooking BAD?! The very cheek to say it to the world's greatest chef...! Er, no, not the world's greatest chefs. Hogwart's greatest chefs. Which was still pretty good... 

"Um, how may we help masters and mistresses, then?" one elf managed to choke humbly. 

"Get me the type of food I eat!" Kezapi said at once with an hungry wolf's eyes in place of his usually weird coloured ones. 

"Oh?' James asked, raising his brows. "And what may that be? Space lizards?" 

"Yes, but you don't have 'em here, I think," Shifuga shrugged, not noticing the dripping sarcasm in James's voice and even not noticing the sick faces all the Marauders wore after her comment. 

"So what do you eat?" Lily asked faintly. 

"Maybe spaceships?" Sirius suggested. 

"Get real! They'll be eating us, then!" 

"Maybe they eat mice..." 

"Remus, you could've done better than to guess that. That was pathetic!" 

"Oh, shut up!" 

"Jellies? Pudding?" 

"Sounds more like a world of dessert, Jimminey P. Maybe they have antennaes for lunch!" 

"You don't sound as rational either, Lily. Who'd resist ice-cream? The cold, melting cream of ice in your mouth... the sweetness... the lovely flavours... mmm..." 

"What's that?" The twins winced in disgust. 

"Maybe - just MAYBE - they eat humans," Peter stammered. 

There was a pause. And everyone blinked. Hard. 

"We are here," Lily said flatly at last. 

"Pardon?" 

"We are here." 

"Yes, of course we are, stupid," Sirius said calmly, "or we wouldn't be having this conversation." 

"But we ARE here!" 

"Yeah. I expect you're up to no good again," Remus said, waving his hand casually. 

"Your psychotic mind is up and about. Wrong timing, though." 

"She means that - you idiots - the twins aren't man-eaters!" James said in exasperation. "Look, we'll be meeting somewhere in Hell now, if they are." 

Pause. 

"What if this IS Hell?" Peter voiced timidly. 

"Then we've been _eaten_!" 

"This Hogwarts," an elf supplied bluntly. "Kitchen in Hogwarts, Sir. You may remember it...?" 

"There! See, we're NOT eaten yet!" James said brightly. 

"But you said 'Then we've been eaten,'" Remus started. 

"IF this place is Hell, yes," Lily said. 

"You are saying that if we don't like the current food, we order?" Kezapi was asking to an elf, not wanting to continue the stupid convo on whether or not the aliens are cannibals OR that they're in Hogwarts or Hell. Who cares??? They both start with H, and that's all! Nothing special. Blundering humans. 

"Yes." The aliens' faces broke into a broad grin. "Only Earth food," the elf added hurriedly. 

"Good! Alright Shif, you paid attention in Prof. Jix's class, so rant off all those!" Kezapi said joyfully to the sister. "We learn how to eat whatever-they-call-the-food at least!" 

"Okay. Now take this down. Curry noodles, steamed dumplings, char kuey teow, wanton mee, roti canai, prata, nasi lemak, bryani, fried scallops, frried rice, Fukien noodles, Peking roast duck, udon, fisballs, ketupat, bakkutteh, wise-pot crackers, prawn noodles, chicken rice..." and so on and so on. Shifuga was almost singing. Almost. 

The house-elves blinked blankly, writing all that down and wondering how to cook those stuff. They'd never heard of any of those dishes before! Still, they nodded dumbly. After all, they'd just claimed to be able to produce any sort of 'Earth Food'. These certainly sound Earth-like, but not of the type the British house-elves know of. 

"And get that for the whole school," Lily added perkily, when Shifuga had finished and was taking huge gales of oxygen from the open window. Her nose was highly funny when she took that deep breath. 

In stumped and half-blinded out version, the house-elves nodded, the faces looking very puzzled and (Sirius swore) one had rushed to pull a thick dusty dictionary over from the hidden passage to the library. 

Deciding to leave the elves ponder over their new jobs, all seven students left the kitchens to where they had come from and back towards their dorms. 

~*~ 

On the way back, they were silent. Kezapi was almost dead on his feet with tiredness, and Shifuga kept feeling as though she would fall asleep in a heap on the floor at any moment. It had been a busy day. 

Peter had began to doze off too, but a sudden noise made him bright his drooping head up sharply. 

"Hey! What was that?!" 

"Mhm?" Sirius murmured. 

"That noise..." 

"Shut up." 

Peter scowled, "No, really! Listen!" Everyone fell silent, not because they gave a fig what Peter thought he'd heard, but because they were all too tired to reply. Lily's head had dropped onto James' shoulder, and she was snoring gently. A small puddle of dribble was growing around her mouth. 

But still, all except for Lily, they listened. 

Peter was right. There was the sound of footfall... and it was coming closer! 

"It's Filch!" gasped Remus. 

"Un-nu!" Sirius rolled his eyes. 

James didn't say anything, because he was trying to mop the dribble off his shoulder. 

Kezapi swore in an alien tongue, earning a swift kick from his sister. 

"RUN!!!!!!" they yelled. 

All may have been well, had it not been for the twin's loud cry. 

"You bloody morons!" Howled Peter, as the marauders sent caution to the winds. 

Lily jerked awake, only to discover that her friends were several feet away, and the distance between them was growing rapidly. The footsteps behind them were drawing closer, faster; their owner was now running. 

"What?" Lily gaped, as her friends turned the corner at the end of the corridor, leaving her bewildered form behind them. 

She began running as fast as she could. She rounded the corner, hitting her toe painfully on a suit of armour, and paused, partly for breath, partly from pain. None of her friends were anywhere to be seen. She muttered a curse word under her breath, and limped onwards, muttering, "bugger... bugger... bugger..." with every painful step. She had got maybe another to meters before she felt a gnarled hand on her shoulder. 

A voice muttered into her ear, "All right, Miss Evans. No use trying to get away... I've got you now!" 

~*~ 

It was the next morning. Lily was in a bad mood. 

She had been ordered to attend a detention that night, in the Potions room, scraping the little black bits from under the rims of cauldrons. Lily did not want to spend all night doing this; apart from anything else, she was fond of the little black bits. You could pick them off and flick them into the potion when you got bored in lessons. 

To top it all, the house elves had indeed done as the two aliens had ordered-- the school had been served up curry noodles and steamed dumplings. Lily loathed it. She wished for buttered toast and jam, cereal, and boiled eggs. 

She turned her attention to Shifuga, sitting nest to her. But it was not Shifuga sitting there. It was Flich. 

"I'm gonna get ye, ye young devils! Arr! I'll slit ye gizzards and, erm.... all that kind of stuff!" 

Or.... it looked like Filch, and sounded like Filch. Sort of. The eyes were the wrong colour, though... and there was definitely something wrong with what he was saying! And no-one looked worried at all, or even slightly disturbed... they were laughing. Now, this was not supposed to happen... 

"Shifuga?" 

"What?" Filch turned to her, and gave her a grin. That settled it for Lily; Filch did not grin, unless he had just been given permission to, for instance, kill students horribly... stuff them into dungeons and tie their hands! Or merely disembowel them slowly and painfully... Lily realised that she felt even more sick then she had done five minutes ago. 

"... Nothing..." 

She sat and stared into her noodles. They looked like dead worms. And slowly, an idea formed in her scheming mind... but it was important to keep this secret. She decided to bide her time... for, oh, at least another fifteen minutes. 

~*~ 

Lily waylaid Shifuga in the otherwise empty dormitory later that day. 

"Hiya, Lily! How're you?" 

"Hello... I'm fine. Thankyou." 

"Great." She paused to think for a moment. "Wikkid! That's an English Earth-word, isn't it?" 

"It is?" 

"Well... maybe I did my research wrong..." 

"Looks that way." Lily decide to get down to the point, "Say... can you turn into anyone?" 

"Eh?" 

"Like you did Filch?" Lily frowned thoughtfully. 

"Oh! Yes, of course! It's easy!" 

"Well," Lily smiled at the alien, "You now how you and I are great pals?" 

"We are? Cool!!! That's so great!!!" Shifuga beamed. 

"Absolutely!" Lily nodded, cringing slightly inside. "So... I was wondering..." 

"What, Best Friend Lily?" 

"Could you morph into me, and possibly go to this detention in my place tonight? It's at 7PM, in the Potions Room." 

"Of course! Fine! Anything for my Best Friend Lily!" 

Lily sighed, got up, and left the room. But at least she'd get out of detention... she went downstairs to do her History Of Magic homework. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Please leave a review!!! 

Bunny chan & Ginny :) 


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